- Your intrusive thoughts could be a sign you feel trapped after moving in with your boyfriend, but that doesn't mean you have to act on them.
- Instead, practice bringing yourself back to the present moment and remember you always have the agency to change your mind.
- Relationships aren't promised to be permanent. Worrying about hurting your partner by leaving isn't productive.
- Have a question for Julia? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously. You can read more Doing It Right here.
Dear Julia,
My boyfriend and I recently moved to DC from New York City. We've been together for just over a year and moved because we wanted to get away, save some money, and more importantly live together for the first time.
It's been three months now and things have been going mostly OK, but I've been thinking about an ex-partner a lot.
Deep down, I feel like I might still have feelings for him. Every once in a while, I have dreams of being with other men romantically. More recently, everything that my boyfriend does annoys me, and I haven't been as loving and affectionate towards him. I keep saying "I love you" back to him, but I second guess it every time.
I've been heartbroken before and I can't bare the idea of hurting someone that I deeply care about. I do care about him, I just don't know if I see myself with him forever.
Is it weird that I also keep thinking about the money? We moved here to save money, but spent a lot in the process for new furniture and movers. I feel bad that we spent all this money for nothing. I'm so worried about hurting him and making a mistake.
I also keep thinking that maybe if my boyfriend and I break up, there's a chance that I can get back with my ex-partner. Realistically, I know there's a small chance that will happened. What should I do?
- Washington
Dear Washington,
I know it may not feel like it, but having intrusive thoughts and dreams about an ex is normal.
What's more, having these thoughts doesn't always mean you want to act on them. Try to view your thoughts and dreams as the stories you've created about your greatest fears and insecurities.
Before you act, it's important to learn more about why you feel the way you do about your ex and current partner, Alisa Scolinos, a trauma-informed therapist based outside of Los Angeles, told me.
She said it's common for a person to become anxious and unsure after moving in with a partner for the first time.
"It's, all of a sudden, this sense of, 'This feels permanent.' People think just because you're not married and you're moving in together, it's different. Yes, there's a legality to being married, but you're doing everything else the same and it has a very permanent feel," Scolinos said.
She suggested asking yourself what you're afraid of, like feeling trapped or choosing the wrong person, common sentiments that come up for couples and individuals she's worked with.
Then, turn back to the present and soothe your fears with what you do know.
"What if we said, 'I'm OK now? And if there comes a point I'm not OK, then we can talk about leaving [the relationship]. If there is a point where we feel like this is not working, it will be sad and painful, but we are not stuck,'" Scolinos told me.
She said focusing on the present can help with your worry of hurting your boyfriend too. Instead of thinking, "What if I hurt my boyfriend?" focus on becoming a better partner in the now, like by communicating your feelings to him in a vulnerable way. Being honest about your needs can also prevent the feelings of agitation you mentioned from building.
As for the financial fears you're experiencing, Scolinos said this could be your brain's way of playing into your relationship anxiety.
At the end of the day, you and your boyfriend made a choice to be together. Though the prospect of hurting him is painful, it's also the reality of love.
"That's the risk we take to be in love and to have a partner. Everyone assumes the risk," Scolinos said.
Instead of worrying about his risk, own yours. You'll be a better partner, and person, because of it.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
Have a question? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously.
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